Sorry
Looks like things are going to be quiet here for another couple of days.
Peace be unto you.
Blah
Sorry for the lack of bloggage lately. Patience is a virgin. I shall return shortly.
In the meantime check out the new group blog Israelity. It’s like the Velvet Revolver of the Israeli blogosphere! Wait a second, Velvet Revolver sucks. Hmmm. So think of the greatest rock and roll supergroup ever. Ok? Got one? Now pretend that the band is a blog about life in Israel.
Let me also give a shout out to the blogosphere’s favorite pinko Jew, the Orthodox Anarchist himself, Dan “Mobius” Sieradski for his kick ass design of the site. Really beautiful job. Much respect.
And the winner of The Ambassador is…
Eitan Schwartz
Full recap of the unneccesarily 2 1/2 hour finale of The Ambassador coming tomorrow.
The Ambassador, episode 11: Diner food for thought
So tonight is the big finale for The Ambassador. After ten weeks of bad editing, worse attitudes, none suspenseful, unrealistic, over dramatized television I will no longer feel burdened to watch this utter piece of shit. And of course, Israel will have a new “Ambassador.” Like I give a shit. Well, I kind of do. Damn me to hell!
Last week’s episode was horrible. It was one big recap, again. Every episode consists of about twenty minutes of new content interspersed among footage from the previous episodes. Though the twenty minutes of new footage this week was pretty good. The final three - the television savvy Eitan, the wacky Tzvika and the undeniably ethnic Marheta - find themselves once again in the presence of uber pollster Frank Luntz. They were each placed in front of a focus group of 25 New Yorkers who have these nifty little dials that have a scale from 0-100. They scale their reaction to the speaker - zero signifying disagree completely, fifty means they are neutral and 100 means they agree completely. We were made aware that this is “exactly the same process that politicians use.”
Before the contestants began Luntz warned them “If you fail, then Israel fails - and that is not an option.” Well, I thought that was a bit over the top considering the winner of this competition (if you can even call it that) WILL NOT BE AN OFFICIAL REPRESENTIVE OF ISRAEL AND WILL BE WORKING FOR A NOMINAL JEWISH ORGANIZATION.
Tzvika went first. Tzvika decided that a gimmick would work with the crowd so he brought with him stones from Jerusalem and passed them around the focus group. Luntz threw Tzvika off and pretty much ruined his shtick when he began throwing the rocks at him. Bringing rocks to a speech about Israel is probably not the smartest move. Next time bring some fresh pita and humnmous. Win them over with yeast and garbonzo beans.
“Good person,” “Loss of words” and “Energetic” were some of the words used by the group to describe their impression of the bumbling Englishman.
Marheta was up next. She read from a notebook the entire time and appeared nervous, and once again spoke about her personal experience as a youngster in Ethiopia and walking through Sudan. One of Luntz’s assistants mentioned that Marheta missed a great opportunity about how Israeli society is a colorblind one. A point that isn’t really true but whatever.
Some of the comments were “I liked what she had to say,” and “Lots of points, but lacked a thesis.” One dude who was obviously endeared to her said “To be in front of twenty five New Yorkers can be intimidating.” I once felt the same way at Lucky Changs.
Eitan was the last to go and after mentioning that he was born in NY (immediately establishing a connection to the audience) decided on the whole “America and Israel are allies in the fight against terrorism” angle. He then pulled out “the terrorists who blew up the Twin Towers are the same terrorists who are blowing up buses and cafes in Israel.”
Luntz challenged him and mentioned that that is an inappropriate and cheap way of getting through to audience’s emotions.
Eitan immediately retaliated with “I was here in NY on 9/11. Don’t tell me it was a cheap thing to say when I remember what it was like that day and I remember my mother hysterical on the telephone trying to get through to me.”
What a zinger!
Audience comments included “Too slick willie,” “total cheeseball,” “like a weatherman” and “you can tell he is a TV personality.”
After the intense presentations we find our three contestants winding down at the retrol Comfort Diner in midtown. While Eitan and Mahreta dined on huge diner breakfasts (be still my hungry stomach) of eggs, hash browns and swine and Tzvika ate a bagel with cream cheese we notice two attractive ladies sitting at the counter looking over at the threesome.
The ever confident Eitan approaches them and engages them in a discussion about the reality show they are filming and Israel. Ok, this was so set up. It was so damn obvious. These hoochies asked everything from “Is it a dating show?” to “Do Israelis hate Americans?” Another comment was “I know that, like, there is Palestine and Israel and, like, Jesus was born there, but like, that’s all I know, like.”
The other woman asked Marheta where she got her nails done and when Marheta said Israel, the woman said “You can get your nails done in Israel?”
Ok, now, if this was, let’s say, Kentucky or Maine I might expect a small amount of ignorance about Israel. But in NY? I didn’t buy it for one bit thought the future Ambassador’s apparently did. Turns out, the two ladies, Sally and Julie were actresses hired to talk to them. When Tzvika found this out he said “If they were actresses, then the food here is certified by badatz.” Man, that kid is just comedic gold! Israel better start building those casinos cause Tzvika is on fire!
The group then had an awkward meeting with Joey Low, the future boss of the winner where he told them that he has been following the show and feel that all three of them are up to the task.
We were then privy to home videos of three growing up. Cute but fairly boring.
Then out of nowhere - Mr. Roboto (Idan) and the Minister of Anti-Immigration (Yael) who got kicked off last week’s episode show up and offer the remaining three contestants the opportunity to switch with one of them and allow them to take their place in the final three. DUMBEST IDEA EVER. The three obviously said no. Do the producers think that their latest ploy had the audience fooled for even a second? It was demeaning. It was a horrible ending to a horrible show. I felt taken advantage of - kind of like that time in Lucky Changs.
YNET News launches
YNET News, an English version of Ynet, the most popular Israeli news portal has arrived.
At first glance it looks promising, but I’ll need to take a lengthier look. It definately has a different feel than the other Israeli news sites. Managing editor Alan Abbey describes his vision here.
They also have a blog.
Israelis also give shout-outs to God when they win awards
So there I was, about to sit down to enjoy the comedic genius of Michael Meyers and Eddie Murphy in Shrek 2 when I quickly remembered that the first ever Israel Video Music Awards were on. I missed the twenty minutes or so but judging by the rest of the show I didn’t miss too much. They were OK, a lot of gratuitous ass kissing and way too many glitches and the poor host practically had to ad-lib the entire show.
The Israel Music channel (Music 24) has been around for about a year and a half. When they started they only had 300 videos to broadcast. Now, they have over 4,000 and have added some high quality shows, the best being “Main Stage” based on the BBC’s Later with Jools Holland. The show is hosted by Yoav Kutner, who believe it or not, was the first DJ to play Radiohead’s Creep on the radio - anywhere. Israel will always have a special place in Radiohead’s heart.
Anyway, back to the awards. A couple of good performances, most notable being Subliminal and the Shadow and the whole T.A.C.T. crew who I see have added a few peeps to their line-up in recent months. I could have sworn the newly added R&B crooner in group was from the vocal group, Eden, Israel’s Eurovision entry in 2000. A little research and lo and behold I was correct. Now that is street cred!
Ehud Banai, a songwriter whose nostalgic songs are almost always about self-discovery committed my number one music awards no no. After receiving his award for “Songwriter of the Year” he pulled out his harmonica and while he played his percussionist opened his mouth wide and hit himself rhythmically in the face making popping noises. Not even on “America’s Funniest People” have I seen such raw talent. Nor on the greatest television show of the eighties, “That’s Incredible!” It was the equivalent of the Backstreet Boys or Color Me Bad harmonizing while presenting an award. For some reason I get very uncomfortable when these things happen.
Banai faired well at the awards also winning the singer of the year category and album of the year for Aneh Li (Answer Me).
Hadag Nachash walked away with both band of the year and video of the year for their David Grossman penned “Sticker Song.”
The always busty Maya Buskila won best female artist and breakout of the year.
There was also a nice tribute to legendary songwriter Shmulik Kraus. Kraus was in The High Windows with Josie Katz and Arik Einstein and released what is perceived as the first album of Israeli pop.
All quiet on this front
Sorry it’s been quiet around here. Been quite busy with work and personal stuff. I’m on my own for the next two weeks. My wife has taken off to the states for a trip, leaving me to fend for myself. It’s going to take a lot of discipline but I’m quite confident that I’ll make it through without completely destroying the house and neglecting the dogs. It’s the loneliness that is going to get to me.
Who is going to laugh at my jokes?
My latest Ambassador summary will be posted sometime this weekend. I actually haven’t had a chance to watch it yet but hope to get to it sometime today.
In other news, It would be nice everyone would stop being petty whores. It’s tiresome and annoying.
The Ambassador Final Three revealed!
Wait, how is that possible? The Ambassador isn’t going to be on for at least another three hours! Well,The Ambassador really doesn’t earn any points for planning. Thanks to a reader of my humble blog I was informed that several of the contestants of The Ambassador appeared on Paula Zahn Now on CNN last night. Which means, if you read this transcript you know who are in the final three. No surprises really. I’ll save my comments for later after I watch the show.
In the meantime, enjoy watching Tzvika’s rendition of “Lech Achi Al Hamidbar.”
UPDATE: A couple of funny things in the Paula Zahn transcript that doesn’t really ruin anything:
“They’re competing for a P.R. job with a major Jewish organization.”
Uh. No. Israel at Heart is not a major Jewish organization. The combined membership of The Workmen’s Circle and Queer Jews for Palestine is bigger than Israel at Heart.
Zahn: “While “The Apprentice” tests contestants’ ability to sell lemonade on the street or handle office politics, “The Ambassador” finalists have learned that selling real politics is a lot harder.Eitan Schwartz: “The problem is that when you sell lemonade, nobody hates lemonade. Nobody is going to say that your lemonade occupies territories or that your lemonade kills babies.”
You know Eitan, that is a excellent point.
We are also informed that as part of their final challenge they will have to “freestyle hip-hop with high school students” and impress the mayor of New York. Oh, and Spike Lee fits in to the picture somehow.
Oh, and a second season is in the works. I’ll be appyling, that’s for sure.
Who cares about the summit when we have…
…the best internet innovation in years.
Forbes reports:
Let me just come right out and say it. Answers.com is the most useful, smartest, coolest, easiest-to-use Web innovation to come around in years.
Answers.com is a new approach to Internet search, but make no mistake: It is not search. With one click Answers.com delivers instant information, not Web links, laid out cleanly on one page.
Oh my! And a partnership with Google to boot!
Will Gurunet be this year’s ICQ?
Timewarp: Harry chats with Shaul Mofaz
Yet another chapter of the Harry’s army chronicles…
1998. My advanced tank training was held on the southern Golan Heights. We spent about 90 percent of our time out in the shetach (field). Upon returning to the base on Sunday we would drive our tanks through military only areas of the Golan, passing decimated and rusted Syrian tanks that are now used as target practice. Advanced tank training consists of obstacle courses spread over several kilometers. Each week, we would ship out to a different part of the Golan, training on different types of terrain. This week we happened to be near the city of Katzrin, the only city on the Golan Heights, sitting about 12 kilometers northeast of the Sea of Galilee. It was a good place to be, because we knew the chances of recieving an “after,” (free time) in the city was fairly high. Now, Katrzin isn’t a city per se, but it had a couple of cafes, mini-markets and shwarma joints. More than we had on the volcanic rock of the Golan where we spent most of our time.
On Wednesday morning we woke up shivering as usual, anxiously waiting for the sun to rise to rewarm our bodies. Our morning rituals of cold water shaving, eating crappy food, putting away our sleeping gear and preparing the tank for the days activities was done in silence. Everyone too tired from the previous night’s events. After breakfast we were told by our commanders that we’ll be having a special guest today - the new IDF Chief of Staff, Shaul Mofaz. It was his first week in his position and he was going around to random units to meet with the troops. He would be arriving at 11:30, so we’ll need to straighten up the area, put up some new flags and choose a representitive to tell him about our unit.
Mofaz and his entourage of advisors, security and photographer arrived promptly. Eitan, a born leader who we chose earlier to speak about our unit spoke elequently and intelligently about who we were and what we were doing. Mofaz then spoke briefly to our unit about the importance of the armored corp and upon completing his short speech asked if there were any questions. A few of the guys had some questions - though nothing too serious. Mofaz then said “Anyone else?”
I happen to be sitting dead center in the group and foolishly looked to my right and my left to see if anyone had their hands up. No one did. And that was my downfall.
Mofaz looks directly at me and says, “You there! The one looking around, please stand up.” I was so nervious that I thought my heart was going to explode through my chest and I immediately broke out in a heavy sweat.
There was a collective “Oh shit” among my commanders and the officers. The guys in my unit all tried to mask their smirks because they knew this conversation was going to be awesome.
I was a good soldier, but as you can imagine, a bit of a jokester. Now, this is the chief of staff of the IDF, so I wasn’t planning on fucking around. But sometimes, things just happen. My Hebrew wasn’t all that great. Good enough to understand orders and converse with the boys but I couldn’t have a intellectual conversation about Kant’s categorical imperative. all my answers below are translated in English directly from the Hebrew I used.
I stood up and saluted the highest ranking officer in Israel.
“What is your name?” Mofaz asked.
“Harry Rubenstein” I answered with an intentionally strong accent.
“Ah a new immigrant? Where are you from Harry?” said Mofaz.
“Port Jefferson, New York”
“When did you come to Israel?”
“About eight months ago”
“How are you finding the army?”
“It’s difficult, but it’s going OK.”
“How old are you?”
“23″
Did you go to college?
“Yes, I studied at SUNY Albany.”
“What did you study?”
“History.”
“What kind of History?”
“Middle Eastern.”
“What do your parents do?”
“My father teaches Physics and mother helps people with speaking problems.” (I didn’t know how to say “Speech Therapist.)
“Are they happy with your decision?”
“Yes, they are very proud.”
“How did you end up in tanks?”
“I read Avigdor Kahalani’s book OZ 77 and wanted to be part of a unit with such a big history. Kahalani is a hero.”
“Yes, he is a hero.”
“Are you a lone soldier?”
“Yes”
“Where do you live?”
“Jerusalem”
“Do you receive invitations to any of the guys for Shabbat?”
“Yes, but I never go. I see them enough during the week, I like quiet on Shabbat.”
“Me too,” Mofaz says laughing.
Now there were other questions as well. We went back and forth for a good ten minutes or so. He was really into me for some reason and I just wanted it to end. Finally I heard the words that brought me relief.
“Good luck Harry” the Chief of Staff said effectively ending the conversation.
“Thank you. Good luck to you too in your new job” I said, not believing I just said GOOD LUCK IN YOUR NEW JOB to the fucking chief of staff of the army.
And with that I saluted and sat down relieved that the most high pressure conversation of military career was over. Mofaz and his entourage left and and all the hoopla died down. Many of my fellow soldiers came up to me and gave me praise and a few pats on the back, with a few telling me that I represented the unit with respect.
Now, we were still in training so at this point our Platoon commander has not spoken to anyone of us on an individual basis. He only addressed us as a group. He was totally intimidating and I avoided him at all costs. Interaction with him was just plain uncomfortable and unnecessary. He was one bad dude.
As I chatted with my friend Shachar, my Platoon commander barrels our way at top speed and stops short a few inches from my face, cracks a big smile and says, “Harry, is there anything else you’d like to share with the Chief of Staff?”
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